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The Story.

I’ve been debating on this blog post for about a month now. Do I post it? Do I not Post it? How much information is too much information? And does anyone really care?

Well I have decided that I will write this post for a number of reasons. 1) When I first got the news I went searching for information, information that was almost non-existent. So I thought well I have to go through this almost blind… shit. I am writing this for the next person who might just stumble on it and need some help to get through the next month. 2) I don’t feel as though I can continue to write this blog if I DON’T write this post. This blog is the princess with-in… well the princess is screaming and crying and damn it she wants to be heard. 3) I am writing this for my family and friends. I haven’t been real open about what’s going on with everyone and I would like to give them and explanation as to why I am acting the way I am.

Ok so now here is your warning: I am going to talk about it all! There will be MANY instances of TMI!!! I will try to remember to put a TMI warning but I may miss a few. There you have been warned!

*deep breath*

SO… We found out we were Pregnant on December 28,2009 after the second round of Gonal-F and IUI. I was convinced that this round had not worked; I really didn’t think that it had! So I wasn’t going to test until I had to go to the doctor for the blood work (which was Dec. 31). Well I had a dream on the 27 of a little girl with reddish brown curls, huge smile, and blue night gown coming and jumping on the bed. Well when I woke up, I just had to test! So I did I kind of cried the hubbies name, he came running out of the bed. We both cried and hugged! So many emotions!!! We cried, we hugged, and we looked around the house and went Shit! We have to clean.

Well I decided to call the doctor’s office that day knowing that they were open, the nurse said not to get too excited because it could be what was left over from the HCG injection. It kind of dashed my dreams but I was ok for the time being. We were due to head down to my aunt’s house in GA that day so we got in the car tentative but excited!

While in GA I picked up another box of tests so I could keep testing, crazy I KNOW!! So I tested on the 29th – Positive. I’m feeling a little better since my blood test is only 2 days away. I tested on the 30-got a picture of a book which sent me in to a fit of nerves. (for those of you who don’t know the digital shows a book if the test is done wrong.) So when we got home from GA I went to rite aid bought 2 more different brands-all positive. The 31st rolls around: I take a pee test in the morning just to be sure, yup still positive. At this point I am on fricken cloud nine!! So we go to the doc for the blood test, only to wait until 2:00 to call back and get the results. We call back and guess what we are officially pregnant!!! OMG!!! Holy shit!!!! After 4 years of trying to have a baby, this is real!!!!

The original blood test came back with my HCG at 47, not bad but low. So he had me come back in a few days. This was not so good it was 83 now mind you it should double every 48 hours and this was 72 hours I think. I was a wreck, I thought we were going to lose it I cried for 2 days straight. He had me come in a few days later for another blood test the number had jumped to 187. He was just as surprised as I was! So we kept on, life was good! At 5 weeks we went in for our first ultra sound and we saw a little dot! I was so excited only one and he was on the right side. I was so stinkin happy I came back to work and showed everyone my first little picture of the baby to be!

I had the U/S done on a Friday. Saturday after running some errands I came home to find that I had a few spots of blood. So off to the OB triage we went. It was nerve racking but they said my levels looked good and did another ultrasound just to be sure they also said to take it easy and prop my feet up. Cut to 3 weeks later: I go in for my 8week ultrasound where but all accounts I should be able to see a babyish looking thing and a heartbeat. Well there wasn’t one, there wasn’t anything really, just an empty sac. I wasn’t that upset and I can’t really tell you why. It could be that I had gotten all of my emotions out when the levels were low. It could be because I knew that all the women in my family had lost their first, or it could be that I just knew this was going to happen. I can’t tell you how I knew, I just did. Women’s intuition I guess? He said to wait another week just to be sure that there wasn’t anything there. So we left and came back the next week and got the verdict. No hope. So he gave me a prescription of Cytotec (not sure I spelled that right) and told me I could get it filled and take it right away or I could just wait for the miscarriage to happen on its own, saying that if I took it after the miscarriage had started that the drugs would help it go faster. I feel it’s important to note here that I kind of shut down at this point I refused to answer the phone or to see any one or even really get on Facebook or Twitter, as most of you know I LIVE on those two!!! So for those of you who go short messages from me or tried to call or txt this is why I never responded. During this time I read stories of misdiagnosis so I was holding out a tiny bit of hope. Not much but a little. I was told to give the doc a call on that Friday (2/12/10) so I did. *TMI* I told him that I had had some brown spotting but not a lot.*TMI* He said that it was on its way and to start the Cytotec on Monday if I hadn’t already started.

Well that night we went to dinner to celebrate Valentine’s Day… and all through dinner I started having some intense cramps, real romantic huh? We went home and I decided that it was time so I took a ½ pill per the docs orders… this did nothing so I took the other half before bed. It was at this point that it all became VERY real to me. I broke down and cried for 2 hours! Big wailing sobs, I am not a wailer! I cry in little sobs and quietly. I don’t think the hubby quite knew what to do with me but he was as supportive as he possibly could have been.

Saturday I got up and took one pill, the hubby’s brother was in town and we went furniture shopping with him. I was fine at first but as the day went on I was in an incredible amount of pain so we had to cut our day short so I could go home and lay with a heating pad. *TMI* for those who are looking for information: The pain is not mild! The only way I can describe it is flesh being scrapped from your body with a cheese grater. In reality it pretty much is . I did notice that the less I moved the less pain I was in. The more I moved the more pain and the more bleeding, like BAD bleeding running through an Overnight Pad an hour.*TMI* So Sunday I took the pill again and had to dive in to the pain pills I took two lortabs that day just to try and mask the pain… I can’t say that they did a whole lot other then make me sleepy. Maybe they did do something and the pain could have been a lot worse, I dunno.

This continued through until Thursday with Tuesday being the worst day, that day I had a cramp that lasted about 3 hours straight, I tried the lortab, the heating pad, laying in the fetal position, and sitting in a hot bath. Nothing helped. So Wed. rolls around and I’m feeling ok-ish. My dad comes over to take me to lunch, he drives his little sports car to my house in 3 inches of snow. So we get in the car he goes to the bottom of the court to turn around and gets stuck, so we spend the next hour trying to push and get the car out… mind you I am in incredible pain and pushing A CAR!!! Mind you the car probably only weighs 30 pounds, but still. This exertion causes me to bleed VERY heavy for the rest of the day and night, and a lot of pain. I wake up Thursday in not too much pain so I decide to go to work I get through most of the day without any issues until the afternoon *TMI* when a really bad cramp hits and the red sea came down the pipes! My MIL graciously took me home where I changed into my sweats and went to sleep on the couch. That night at went to the bathroom around 9:30 (this is really graphic!! Sorry!!) I wiped the usual pool of blood and then all of the sudden this little bean just jumped off the toilet paper and landed on my pants!! It looks just how everyone says it will just like a little liver about the size of an unshelled peanut. I was horrified! I am assuming that was the empty sac, I can’t swear to it though.*TMI*

I thought that this meant things were on the mend and all will be well. The pain did subside some, but the bleeding did not. Well the next day, Friday the 19th I went in for more blood work the levels were at 385 still high considering. Went to the Doc, he said he was hopeful that the next one would work and that the good news was that I did in fact get pregnant. And there was no reason why I couldn’t get pregnant and it be a happy healthy baby  this is the little fact that I am holding on to for dear life.

I went in last Friday the 26th for more blood work levels had dropped again to 35, still higher than it should be. *TMI* Last Saturday was my last really bad cramp and my last flush of fluids and tissue. Ever since I have still been bleeding but it is slowly stopping. It’s all still red, but I am about done. Thanks be to God!!! For those of you keeping score I am now at 3 full weeks of full bleeding and 1 week of brown yuck with the end just now insight.*TMI*

For those of you wondering how I’m holding up here is what I can tell you:

1. I am fine, and I know when a woman says I’m fine everyone goes yeah ok… but truly I am! Would I have chosen this course, heck no! But I took my few days and grieved, and I grieved hard.

2. There is a silver lining to all of this, and this is something that I would tell any and every woman who is going through all of this infertility or not: It’s NOT your/My fault. A blighted ovum is the cause of about 50% of first trimester miscarriages and is usually the result of chromosomal problems. A woman’s body recognizes abnormal chromosomes in a fetus and naturally does not try to continue the pregnancy because the fetus will not develop into a normal, healthy baby. This can be caused by abnormal cell division, or poor quality sperm or egg. (

We can and will get pregnant again! There is nothing we did wrong! This has been my mantra the whole time.

3. At this point after a month of all this crap, all I can say is I am aggravated!!! I am so sick of waiting for this to be over so that we can try again.

And this my friends at almost 2500 words is my story I hope that maybe I can help someone out there who is going through this.

Thanks for reading.

Now on to happy blogging and hopefully a new beginning very soon :)


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