I’ve been debating on this blog post for about a month now. Do I post it? Do I not Post it? How much information is too much information? And does anyone really care?
Well I have decided that I will write this post for a number of reasons. 1) When I first got the news I went searching for information, information that was almost non-existent. So I thought well I have to go through this almost blind… shit. I am writing this for the next person who might just stumble on it and need some help to get through the next month. 2) I don’t feel as though I can continue to write this blog if I DON’T write this post. This blog is the princess with-in… well the princess is screaming and crying and damn it she wants to be heard. 3) I am writing this for my family and friends. I haven’t been real open about what’s going on with everyone and I would like to give them and explanation as to why I am acting the way I am.
Ok so now here is your warning: I am going to talk about it all! There will be MANY instances of TMI!!! I will try to remember to put a TMI warning but I may miss a few. There you have been warned!
Well that night we went to dinner to celebrate Valentine’s Day… and all through dinner I started having some intense cramps, real romantic huh? We went home and I decided that it was time so I took a ½ pill per the docs orders… this did nothing so I took the other half before bed. It was at this point that it all became VERY real to me. I broke down and cried for 2 hours! Big wailing sobs, I am not a wailer! I cry in little sobs and quietly. I don’t think the hubby quite knew what to do with me but he was as supportive as he possibly could have been.
Saturday I got up and took one pill, the hubby’s brother was in town and we went furniture shopping with him. I was fine at first but as the day went on I was in an incredible amount of pain so we had to cut our day short so I could go home and lay with a heating pad. *TMI* for those who are looking for information: The pain is not mild! The only way I can describe it is flesh being scrapped from your body with a cheese grater. In reality it pretty much is . I did notice that the less I moved the less pain I was in. The more I moved the more pain and the more bleeding, like BAD bleeding running through an Overnight Pad an hour.*TMI* So Sunday I took the pill again and had to dive in to the pain pills I took two lortabs that day just to try and mask the pain… I can’t say that they did a whole lot other then make me sleepy. Maybe they did do something and the pain could have been a lot worse, I dunno.
This continued through until Thursday with Tuesday being the worst day, that day I had a cramp that lasted about 3 hours straight, I tried the lortab, the heating pad, laying in the fetal position, and sitting in a hot bath. Nothing helped. So Wed. rolls around and I’m feeling ok-ish. My dad comes over to take me to lunch, he drives his little sports car to my house in 3 inches of snow. So we get in the car he goes to the bottom of the court to turn around and gets stuck, so we spend the next hour trying to push and get the car out… mind you I am in incredible pain and pushing A CAR!!! Mind you the car probably only weighs 30 pounds, but still. This exertion causes me to bleed VERY heavy for the rest of the day and night, and a lot of pain. I wake up Thursday in not too much pain so I decide to go to work I get through most of the day without any issues until the afternoon *TMI* when a really bad cramp hits and the red sea came down the pipes! My MIL graciously took me home where I changed into my sweats and went to sleep on the couch. That night at went to the bathroom around 9:30 (this is really graphic!! Sorry!!) I wiped the usual pool of blood and then all of the sudden this little bean just jumped off the toilet paper and landed on my pants!! It looks just how everyone says it will just like a little liver about the size of an unshelled peanut. I was horrified! I am assuming that was the empty sac, I can’t swear to it though.*TMI*
I thought that this meant things were on the mend and all will be well. The pain did subside some, but the bleeding did not. Well the next day, Friday the 19th I went in for more blood work the levels were at 385 still high considering. Went to the Doc, he said he was hopeful that the next one would work and that the good news was that I did in fact get pregnant. And there was no reason why I couldn’t get pregnant and it be a happy healthy baby this is the little fact that I am holding on to for dear life.
I went in last Friday the 26th for more blood work levels had dropped again to 35, still higher than it should be. *TMI* Last Saturday was my last really bad cramp and my last flush of fluids and tissue. Ever since I have still been bleeding but it is slowly stopping. It’s all still red, but I am about done. Thanks be to God!!! For those of you keeping score I am now at 3 full weeks of full bleeding and 1 week of brown yuck with the end just now insight.*TMI*
For those of you wondering how I’m holding up here is what I can tell you:
1. I am fine, and I know when a woman says I’m fine everyone goes yeah ok… but truly I am! Would I have chosen this course, heck no! But I took my few days and grieved, and I grieved hard.
2. There is a silver lining to all of this, and this is something that I would tell any and every woman who is going through all of this infertility or not: It’s NOT your/My fault. A blighted ovum is the cause of about 50% of first trimester miscarriages and is usually the result of chromosomal problems. A woman’s body recognizes abnormal chromosomes in a fetus and naturally does not try to continue the pregnancy because the fetus will not develop into a normal, healthy baby. This can be caused by abnormal cell division, or poor quality sperm or egg. (http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancycomplications/blightedovum.html)
We can and will get pregnant again! There is nothing we did wrong! This has been my mantra the whole time.
3. At this point after a month of all this crap, all I can say is I am aggravated!!! I am so sick of waiting for this to be over so that we can try again.
And this my friends at almost 2500 words is my story I hope that maybe I can help someone out there who is going through this.
Thanks for reading.
Now on to happy blogging and hopefully a new beginning very soon :)